An anthology about an adolescently aged adult. Beyond the biography of a blissful and bold being, beautifully bound in the book of bee. Crafting creative collaborations and courageous compositions of her course.
It took some more counseling sessions and a talk with my pastor to really understand what it meant to have an identity, especially to have an identity in Christ. I understand it, but I am still struggling on how to apply it to my life and myself. What I understood was this: God made you. Simple enough. He made you exactly how you are. You may not be perfect, but to God you are because you are his creation. God made me suffer from anxiety. Did he do it to punish me? Absolutely not. He did it because He loves me and knew that whatever trials He gives me, I can overcome them. I am not mad at him for making this way, if anything I love him even more for putting me through something that will make me stronger in the end. Does it suck? ABSOLUTELY. There are times where I don't know when this storm will pass or if it will ever pass. There are days where I don't want to leave the house because an irrational fear that makes my heart beat extremely fast and causes my mind to race at a million thoughts per second. There are days where feelings and caring for people become a burden and I no longer want to feel anything at all. We are all human. We feel, we fear, we fail. But God is so loving that he sees through your fears and failures and uses those times to help you heal and grow. He made me the way I am so I could use that to share my story, to learn from my anxiety, to be a better Christ follower and to be a light to others. He allowed me to have anxiety to help me find who I am.
As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him - John 9:2-3
Don't think that I am writing all of this because I am totally healed and want to share how you can overcome this and you will be cured! I still suffer with anxiety, although I have found ways to accommodate with it, I will always carry it around with me. I am not cured in any way. As I am typing this it is hard for me because I am trying to tell myself that it will be okay, and I know it will be, but my anxiety likes to decide for my body not to believe that. I know God made me this way for a reason and I know he has a plan for me. Not sure what, not sure when, and definitely not sure how, but I can't wait around for him to tap me on my shoulder and let me know what the deal is. I need to keep living my life, with the roller coasters of anxiety and learn to give it all to Him because he ultimately controls everything and he made me who I am.
You're probably wondering whether or not I figured out the answer to who I was. Not going to lie, I wouldn't be able to give you a straight answer. I would love to figure out that exact definition, but I am unclear of it right now. I know I am taking the right path to figure it out, but I have a way to go to really define myself.
My life is a constant battle. My anxiety is something I am still fighting every time I get out of bed. I don't write these posts about what happened in the past and how I overcame anxiety, I write them here in the moment. Here still fighting. If you are looking for a clear answer on how to survive the struggles of anxiety, I cannot help you out. I can share my life though. I can be with you and empathize with you. I can understand you to the best of my ability. I can cheer for you and ride this storm with you. I can love you and tell you that maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday... you will be okay.