An anthology about an adolescently aged adult. Beyond the biography of a blissful and bold being, beautifully bound in the book of bee. Crafting creative collaborations and courageous compositions of her course.
As a woman in today's society, we are taught that you have look a certain way or be a type of person in order to fit in or to be accepted. Nowadays, we teach those who are younger that everybody is made in a unique and special way and that they fit in no matter who they are and how they look. This is how the issue of self-esteem comes into play in our lives. By definition, self-esteem is: A confidence and satisfaction in oneself; confidence in one's worth. I understand the satisfaction part, but I truly think that the dictionary is wrong when it comes to the confidence in one's worth.
I grew up exactly like the ugly duckling story, but so has about 85% of teenager girls. My high school story was nothing out of the ordinary. Yes, I had friends and people talked to me, but I was never confident in myself. I had low self-esteem; or at least that is what I thought. It wasn't until later on when I realized that I had suffered with anxiety my whole life, but never saw the signs. It wasn't until I started talking with my therapist that my past years weren't an issue of self-esteem, but of self-worth.
I consider myself a decent-looking person (after I have my coffee in the morning) and I know I am surprisingly fit. I have a natural talent of being athletic and I can be funny sometimes. This doesn't sound like a person who has low self-esteem, right? Correct. I can say that my self-esteem is pretty high. This is where I have a problem with the definition; although My self-esteem isn't a problem. I can walk around in daylight without any make-up, hair a mess and in an outfit where I really don't match. I KNOW have a high self-esteem, it's my self-worth that is close to none.
Self-worth has the characteristics of self-esteem but with one more added bonus, how you value yourself. I can be perfectly content with looking like a hot mess, but that doesn't affect my value as a person. Many people get these two meanings confused and put them in the same category because some people consider their self-worth ties to their self-esteem, but it does not mean the same thing.
When you don't consider yourself good enough for people, that is when your worth is depreciated. When you don't feel accepted as who you are, that is when your significance as a human being is questioned. Not knowing if you belong because of how little you think of yourself is the battle of self-worth.
Insecurities don't have a physical look. My insecurities lie deep within my outer shell of an athletic body and a well kept look. When I don't feel good inside is when I become uncertain about myself. Doubts about who I am as a person become real and affect my everyday life, but it has nothing to do with the way I look or how I carry myself.
I can truthfully say that the friends I have now will be the friends I stick with for the rest of my life. They are truly amazing and without a doubt, the most caring group I have ever met. My effort of friendship that I give them is the same that they give to me and they truly value me as a part of their inner circle. So why does it feel like I am not a part of that even though they have constantly proved to me over and over that I am? Why, out of ALL the people on this earth, did they choose to spend their days with me? What have I given them that they would allow me into their lives? There is a list of reasons why I am of value and worth to them, and I KNOW in my mind that those reasons are true, but why don't I believe in their responses?
Anxiety. The non-stop train to the bottom of the canyon, anxiety. The numerous pages of a never-ending story, anxiety. The broken faucet that no matter how many times you fix it, that drip continues, anxiety. I don't think there is a single solid definition of how anxiety attacks my life, but it has affected the area where my value is torn.
Self-esteem defines what I am, but self-worth describes the who I am. I can make you a list of the "what-I-ams" easily, but if someone were to ask me who I was, I don't think I would be able to answer that.
Knowing that I am loved and feeling that I am loved are two completely separate entities. I KNOW my family loves me. I KNOW my friends love me. I ABSOLUTELY KNOW God loves me, but it so hard to feel this love sometimes. My prayer is that I can constantly tell myself that I am worth the value that God has given me. It is such a work in progress because I have to believe it first and with belief comes feeling. Why don't I feel it yet?
John Mayer states it exactly how we can understand it: "But if I take my heart's advice, I should assume it's still unsteady. I am in repair." This is a work in progress, as my other anxiety obstacles. I do need help for this and it is not a battle easily won. Persuading your heart to feel what your mind is telling you is one of the hardest struggles I've had in my life. Yes, medication is helping, but it is not meant for healing. Only I can heal myself with the help of God by my side.
"The spirit bypasses the need for understanding through the brain and understands through the heart." Holy Spirit I need you now.