As I re-read the post I wrote exactly one year ago today, I realized one thing: everything that I braced myself for happened. I wrote about it in a very broad way, but the issues with my anxiety, with losing and making new friendships and knowing that 2016 was going to kick me in the butt all came true.
As cliche as it sounds, 2016 was a struggle. Don't get me wrong, there were many joyus moments throughout these last 12 months, but I learned and grew alot to only come to realize that I have so much more growing to do. I have decided to take you on a journey of some of the most important parts of this past year.
I could tell that my friends were feeling their moods completely shift from "She is just going through something for a bit." to "oh no, something is really wrong." based on how I was acting (or not acting) around them. Even though I was seeing a therapist about my issues, I still didnt understand what I was going through. The tough part about that was I didn't know how to vocalize how I was feeling and what I needed from my friends. It is something I still struggle with to this day. I pushed them away because I didn't understand myself and I felt like such a burden on my friends. I wasn't allowing them in not because I didn't want too, but because I didn't know how.
What Goes Up, Must Come Down
As great as my birthday was, it was merely a weekend escape from the true matter at hand; My anxiety. I never thought how trapped I really was until July came. My anxiety completely took over my entire body, took over to the point where I went through a state of depression. I would wake up and feel so numb. My days seemed to all clump together and I didn't want to do anything or see anybody. I completely isolated myself from my friends and family. For some reason I felt like I was trapped in a bubble and couldn't escape no matter how hard I tried. I would have random panic attacks where I would cry uncontrollably for hours, I lost my appetite which caused me to lose a serious amount of weight to the point where I would pass out. Something physically was clearly wrong and my therapist told me to get my blood levels checked and to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist. When I got my blood results back, I found out that I had this rare genetic disease called Gilbert's Syndrome. Don't ask me what it is because even my doctor was unsure on how to describe it. This disorder was causing me to feel extremely fatigued, stressed and all the other fun things that come with anxiety. Basically, the chemicals in my body weren't what they should be. I knew that I needed something else to balance all my physical reactions to my anxiety.
The Process of Medication
And that leads me to here. Right now, writing this post. Like all of my previous writings, I am nowhere near cured of this anxiety issue, nor may I ever be cured. I have learned and grown so much in 2016, but it is not over. I am excited for what is to come in 2017 just as much as I am scared. My anxiety has played such a huge role in 2016 and I have now gained the knowledge to apply myself and become who I really am.
2016 was rough, and I don't except 2017 to get any easier... I just know that I can handle it better.
God give me strength because 2017, I am coming for you.